I looked at my daughter the other night and I was afraid. She's a full blown toddler now. I looked at her so afraid of losing this version of her. Of someday not having conversations with my toddler, but having them with my teenager instead.
I had a moment of panic. I thought to myself that every parent who watches their child grow up has to grow with new versions of them all the time. The other night was the first time I had that real fear that she would continue to grow into new versions of herself. Which will mean that I'll lose this version of her.
And then I let another thought creep in. And like a soothing icicle on a hot day, it pacified my anxiety. I haven't met my daughter or my son in the future. I look at them now and I recognize that I love them just as much as I ever have. It reassured me.
I began to overflow with thoughts of their future passions. I was flooded with wonder. Would I sit and drink coffee on the porch one day while she picked on a guitar next to me? Would my son be mere feet away, working on his jump-shot in the driveway?
In an instant, my fear and anguish turned into a revelation that I will keep being blessed by the things my kids pour themselves into and also by the people they each become.
As I continue to live out the journey of being a father, they'll continue right beside me. And I have no doubt that, of all the teachers in my life, they'll keep being the most significant one. They'll have me astonished and grounded. Proud and humble. Forever in awe.
I think sometimes life tricks us. It takes an unavoidable situation—a big change perhaps—and it makes us believe that we couldn't possibly live outside of our present routine. The fact is the world is spinning. The best we can do is continue to take advantage of every special time in life. They're all precious and they're all uniquely temporary.
But I digress. For now I'll stick to enjoying bottle feedings for my son and fetching the Teddy Grahams for my daughter while she watches Disney movies and tries to avoid bedtime.
“… I had that real fear that she would continue to grow into new versions of herself. Which will mean that I'll lose this version of her”… ❤️ this!